1.) Sharks can’t get you if you are in a tree.
2.) Climbing action provides a necessary and reasonable opportunity to show off my guns.
3.) Anyone can be tall if they scale enough branches.
4.) Some trees are just laden with potential snacks!
5.) Communing with nature, literal tree hugging.
Delicious Beer in a Recyclable Can
I used to be a total snob, thinking I was “above” canned beer. Then I found out I was WRONG. I am still a total snob about macrobrewed canned beer, but have learned the error of my prejudices.
1.) Cans block out UV light; UV light is beer’s NUMBER ONE ENEMY.
2.) Cans are permitted places that (glass) bottles are not, either legally (e.g. beaches, airplanes) or prudently (e.g. boats).
3.) Cans are easier to recycle than glass AND it takes less energy to recycle a can than make a new one.
4.) Continuing in the environmental vein, cans are much lighter than glass, significantly reducing the gas necessary – and related carbon emissions – for transport. Al Gore should be the spokesman for canned beer.
5.) Cans chill faster. I am not a fan of warm beer. Warm cookies, yes. Warm beer, no.
1.) They are pretty much just an excuse to eat cake at breakfast. I’m not saying that there is anything WRONG with enjoying some cake for breakfast – nor that doing so requires an excuse. I am merely saying that it is a bit more socially acceptable, if you are concerned about that sort of thing.
2.) Due to their shape, all of the calories fall out the hole in the middle. This is a true fact, my mom told me so.
3.) Okay, so the above is sort-of-medium wishful thinking. However, donuts are the low-calorie option at Dunkin’s, where a standard jelly donut contains a (mere) 260 calories compared to the 320 calories in a plain bagel without cream cheese.
4.) Donuts are such a brilliant concept that archeologists have found evidence of them in prehistoric Native American ruins in the southwestern US *and* medieval Europeans came up with the concept too. That’s a gap bridger right there.
5.) Donuts support our troops and bring them comfort. During both world wars, ladies would bring/make fresh donuts for the troops on the front lines, to remind them of home. I know that reads as sort of sexist, but remember the times and realize that sometimes sexist = historically accurate.
all of these are mine
In Russian, the word for “galoshes” is (roughly) pronounced “galosha” – true fact.
1.) When dirty, they hose off for easy cleaning.
2.) They come in fun colors and designs – I currently have pirates and polka dots. (I walk a lot and walk through the bottoms of my galoshes. Holey galoshes are not good galoshes, so I like to be prepared.)
3.) They keep my feet dry and HAPPY.
4.) I rarely, if ever, have to worry about laces.
5.) PUDDLE STOMPING!
There are about ten thousand situations going on RIGHT NOW – in just the lives of myself and folks I know. This sure has resulted in a lot of email. Fortunately, email is pretty environmentally friendly and some bits of some emails make me laugh. Here are five, completely out of context, of course! (In the old days, SB would say, “RESUMEEEEEEEE!”)
1.) She is magical, but she has the fattest feet we have ever seen.
2.) I think we have some bubble wrap left over from the move, seems like it would be both zesty and demure
3.) I hope you will avert your eyes from her girth and waddling.
4.) If you don’t come, I’m going to tell everyone you discriminate against the seizured.
5.) Fortunately, no one is going to judge me on my coolness, because I don’t really associate with people who do that.
Helmet, Bike, Mine
Bike helmets are good things; you should wear one. I have a whole diatribe about how NOT wearing a bike helmet is selfish, but this isn’t really the place for it.
1.) Bike helmets help protect their wearers massive brain damage. I don’t find adults in diapers and unable to control their drool very sexy. Most folks strive for me to find them sexy.
2.) Conversely, if you happen to have a date that you sort of regret agreeing to, but feel morally obligated to attend, a bike helmet can make you less traditionally sexy. The basic and subtle way would be to bike to the date (take the long way, so as to get a little sweatier) and let your hair get all helmet-y. If you want to go all out, leave your helmet on for the entirety of the date, but refuse to discuss why you won’t take it off.
3.) My helmet keeps my hair out of my face. This is less of a benefit for people without hair.
4.) If you take a nasty spill and manage to crack your helmet, all of your family and friends who like you will take a look at it and feel compelled to tell you how great you are and how glad they are that you were wearing the helmet. (If you do not wear the helmet and wipeout like this, people will say different things, which you may or may not hear and/or understand.)
5.) A good helmet can make your shape more aerodynamic. It is no fun to be edged out in a race because your lumpy head slowed you down.
An Abundance of Avocados
1.) They are an easy and portable food for babies. A fine first food!
2.) There is a low incidence of food allergies to avocados.
3.) Avocados are great for hair and faces…I think. I’m more into soap and water, but that’s the word on the street.
4.) Based on my personal experience and judgment process, avocados are a very trustworthy food.
5.) Avocados have way more potassium than bananas AND they do not travel around in the company of a bunch of rats.
Margarita on the Rocks
1.) Tequila is a vital ingredient in margaritas. It is produced in Mexico, providing jobs for Mexicans and a strong export for the country.
2.) Margaritas are chock full of citrus, thus helping to protect their consumers from scurvy.
3.) It’s hard to stay tense and uptight with a jolly glass of margarita – even when it isn’t in a real margarita glass.
4.) More things should really be focused on me and my preferences and margaritas are pretty much the only way I enjoy tequila. I mean, it’s possible that I have done a tequila shot or two over the course of my long life, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it – either at all or as much as I would have enjoyed a margarita.
5.) Margaritas allow for adult theme dinners for the gluten-free demographic. Tacos and margaritas are the celiac-friendly alternative to pizza and beer.
1.) You get to feel better about yourself and your personal appearance…unless you are Pat Sajak. (I saw him live and it was disturbing, true story.)
2.) The visibility of fine lines and wrinkles gives me something I can relate to with actors and athletes.
3.) It’s easier to find and follow the puck in ice hockey.
4.) HD television without my contacts is equivalent to watching the TV we had when I was a kid with corrected vision.
5.) It made Stephen Colbert happy when his show went HD; when SC is happy, I’m happy.